The One With Special K For Brekkie

today i mulled over what i really want to do for the rest of my life. like really, really do. i know i'm not the kind who'd do social work. i'm against global warming and poverty as much as the next decent person but i know i'm meant to do something else.

i hate that over the years, since i was probably 10, i've fantasized about so many things i wanted to be. i never drew any lines for myself. i'm the kind delusional enough to settle on an ambition no matter how far-fetched.

for a while i wanted to be a movie director. till i hear about how Good Will Hunting came about then i chickened out.

for a very long while i wanted to be a fashion designer (which girl hasn't thought about this) and i didn't exactly file it away under 'Stupid and Silly' but now i think of it as an alternative. i'll get a degree for something else, something more solid - and that wouldn't need creativity as a fuel so much - but one day, maybe. 'cept i won't make fashion, i wanna be the one producing the fashion shows.

then just before Form 4, i'd to think about a career choice that would back up my decision of going into science stream. nutritionist or dietician.

but that didn't last long. when i went into commerce, i considered accountancy since everyone kept saying how much money there'd be. but i wrote it off almost immediately cos i couldn't see myself doing it. i couldn't see myself 'paying my dues' for something i didn't love. i love numbers, very much (considered mathematician but scratched it off just as quick cos can't think of many options) but not like that. if i ever work with numbers, it's gonna be a subject like algebra or something.

now psychologist. or maybe a counsellor. i asked myself exactly who the heck do i wanna help with a degree in psychology. i got a little scared cos i really can't think of why i'm thinking of doing this. what sucks more is i keep hearing people say i should do something else, that psychology is basically for dumb people and i can do better.

then i remembered - girls with eating disorders. back in 2006, i blog-hopped through Xanga's huge collection of ED blogs. i had favourites. i even collected thinspo. alot of people hardly pay much attention to these girls, waving them off as overly-conscious nuts.

yes, no denying that they're crazy to think they're fat when they're not. they starve themselves and go on fasts (you should see how long some can last - a week on a water fast) and their period goes whack and their hair fall out, nails yellow, etc. there were girls who were really, really overweight and had an ED. 'they say i can't have an ED because i'm fat.' this was their solution to it.

then there were those who were in it for the hype. 'i WANT an ED. i had it and lost it and now i'm trying to get back into it.' very annoying but you get many of these.

then there were those, very common, who were just sick of being ugly. thin = beautiful in their eyes. they saw it as something like a boost to an ordinary girl.

then, then there were those who're perfect but still saw flaws everywhere. these were the real deal. they fit every symptom for whatever ED they have, but they don't see it at all. i remember reading about this one very pretty girl who had anorexia and she was so thin but not disgusting thin. it looked like she was naturally thin. she was honestly terrified of food. food scared her. you should read about how she talks about pizza. you'd think it was something that came out of a Stephen King novel.

but they all had one thing : discipline.

the kind of effort they put into being, what they call, beautiful - is extraordinary. and that's why i never just look at a girl who has an ED as just a chick who's obsessed with her weight. cos she isn't just that, there's alot more to it. and imagine if they put that same amount of effort into something they loved, something they could make a living out of?

they could create something really kickass that's for sure.

here's to something that will always be kept in a safe distance, but never abandoned.